A Moment of Transformation That Made Me the Person I Am Today
Part 3
The first half of my performance went well because I was able to successfully navigate my way through the uneasy sensation that I felt from the moment I placed my fingers on the keys until the moment I lifted them up. My anxieties had not yet thwarted my performance. I wanted to fist-pump, but I knew that today was not the right occasion to do so, so, instead, I did it in my head. However, maybe because I felt too good and thought this feeling would last me through past the intermission, something changed.
Before I could stop them, my fingers carelessly manifested the latter half of Liszt’s Hungarian Rhapsody No.11. I took perfect control of them during the mellow segment, but all of a sudden, everything went wrong as my mind signaled to my fingers that the ending, consisting of the most difficult bars to articulate, was the next segment to play.
The enormous jumps played at Presto haunted me like a demon throughout these six months. I thought back to my hours and hours of vigorous, agonizing practice of the grand finale. But, when it came to the performance, I felt like skipping that part and concluding the piece right before the ending. Soon, I gave up attempting to manage my rapidly moving, yet trembling fingers. I let them keep on doing their task.
When I finally came face to face with the demon of my anxiety, it manipulated the black and white keys so that they slowly dissolved into a bewildering band of colors, muddling my eyesight. My fingers no longer knew which key was which. Black and white all turned gray. Flats and sharps all became naturals.
I could feel my heart pounding; the beats felt fierce yet vindictive, almost overriding the melody that I could barely hear at that point. On the verge of bursting into tears, I thought of stopping right there and apologizing to my supportive audience. But, realizing that I had already gotten as far as I had, I decided to not combat the demon. I looked away from the chaotic keyboard and plowed ahead.
Focusing on the brilliant golden strings in the interior of the piano allowed my ears to pick up beautiful vibrations. The sounds were heavenly even as I awkwardly discerned the mistakes I was making while playing. I realized my errors were as nothing compared to the aural carnival I was producing. Even though I still was not sure what was awaiting me at the end, one thing I did know was that the spite and vengeance faded away.
It was at that very moment that my mind flashed back to another old Chinese proverb my piano teacher used to always say to me before each performance: The boat will naturally dock when it arrives at the port. So, I put aside all my concerns, trusting that things would be alright in the end. Fortunately, I was able to reproduce the smile that I initially had. Applause broke out before I grasped how to panic.
Part 4
A piano has only black and white keys, but this visual simplicity belies the convoluted journey a pianist must face in every single performance. And life, too, offers so much more than just two monotonous options.
Do not categorize an outcome as being good or bad, easy or tough, or happy or sad. Often, the result of some experience is more like a mixture of countless colors jumbled up all together. Sometimes, the colors do not match very well, but at other times they do. And the fortunate among us are awarded a flawless rainbow.
Be attentive and observant at all times so as to seize these opportunities. Conjectures about the end result of some effort will not lead you to anything new. Breathe instead. Let yourself be as to who you are rather than what you may be; the unfathomable depths in the world may astonish you.
Do not judge, embrace.
Author 作者
Name: Cynthia Zhang
Grade: 10
School: Northfield Mount Hermon
姓名：张澜馨
年级：10
学校：北野山高中
Hailing from Beijing, Cynthia is a sophomore at Northfield Mount Hermon, a boarding school in Massachusetts. She explores the surrounding world through an artistic lens of creative writing. Outside of writing, Cynthia enjoys playing the works of Debussy and Liszt, debating, and mentoring young students English and piano.
Cynthia来自北京，是马萨诸塞州一所寄宿学校——北野山高中的高二学生。她通过创意写作的艺术视角探索周围的世界。除了写作，她喜欢演奏德彪西和李斯特的作品、辩论、以及指导年龄较小的学生英语和钢琴。
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